It’s amazing how many of us are struggling to find wearable fashion. With a few boutique exceptions, where-oh-wear did the concept of fashion designed to flatter our figures go?

A perfect example: a dear friend, a beautiful woman, describes her body as an apple. She’s big on top, smaller on the bottom.

I’ve never had top-heavy problems. In fact, another friend recently told me her waist was 29 inches. “That’s my bra size,” I retorted.

So I’m definitely no apple. Me? I’m a pear. There’s more of me as the eye heads South. And we all know how much of us goes South at some point.

Now I have to imagine there are bananas out there, too. For instance, Popeye’s girlfriend Olive Oil would be a prototype for that straight ‘n narrow from top-to-bottom figure.

And, goodness knows, we all know the oranges and cantaloupes in our midst: round all around.

It’s quite an assortment. Maybe we can mount a show called the Fashion Bowl. We each get to dress as the fruit our figures most resemble.

But that brings me back to my original contention and dilemma: what do we wear? It’s an all-too-common problem: we go into department stores or once-upon-a-time-favorite shops determined to get some new things. It’s time! Maybe our old outfits are tiresome; or we’re going on vacation; or we need something to perk ourselves up that doesn’t have sugar and caffeine in it.

Before we know it, we’re going through racks of clothes that have apparently all been designed for perfect figures in the approximate age range of 12 to 12-1/2 years of age. Bare arms, bare shoulders, open backs, skinny bodices or skirts.

Who’s designing this stuff? Have they never heard of flab or tummies or backsides? Do they think we have no shame? Until mirrors are officially banned throughout the kingdom called Earth, nothing we try to hold in as we shimmy into these items keeps us from the sinking feeling we get when we actually see ourselves.

As a pear – a short-waisted one at that – I know exactly what works for my figure type. One doesn’t get to be over 12 years of age without having a pretty good beat on what looks good.

Regrettably, I don’t sew. That would solve a lot of problems. And when I’ve tried to have things made for me, it has turned into a too-expensive or too- disappointing experience.

Ready-to-wear would suit me fine – if it were only ready-to-love, as well.

I have a great idea for any fashion-aware, figure-aware designer: design a line of clothes called Fruit of My Labor (unfortunately, Fruit of the Loom is taken). We can even name categories accordingly: Apple Of Your Eye Sportswear; Pears of Pants; Berry Beautiful Cruise Wear.

You’d be doing millions of women a really yummy favor. You’d allow us to flatter ourselves, to look in mirrors without wincing, and to have our mates delight in our produce inspired transformation. Heck, we could even show them the hangtags that say, “Get fresh with us!”

How utterly delicious that would be.

Fruitfully yours,
Andrea